By Sarah Haywood
My whole life I wanted to sing and express myself through music and dance, and haven’t until now. I am starting to see how I set up all these obstacles, boundaries, limits, lack and blocks as lessons along the path. I see and understand the agreements I made with people to tell me I had no rhythm, that I couldn’t sing, I couldn’t dance, I sounded bad, I wasn’t “meant” to be a musician, that we didn’t have the money for me to take piano, be in band or take dance classes. I specifically remember my friend’s dad, Mr. Twardowski, paying me $10 not to sing in his car, ever again. (I forgive you, because now I know it wasn’t about me, or my singing.) Unfortunately at the time, I shut down, I shut up, and didn’t open my mouth again for nearly 10 years. I was so convinced that my voice could potentially hurt or offend someone that I wouldn’t even sing when I was alone. I came to HATE my voice. I would cover my ears if someone played a message I left them on their answering machine. I remember actually cringing, and feeling pain in my body.
My brother on the other hand, had drumsticks put in his hands, and in that moment the magic poured through him. I couldn’t believe it. It must have been true, you must be born with it. The idea that music could be learned was no longer a possibility in the world I was living in. I had so many loves, interests, hobbies, innate talents, friends, events, organizations, groups, and projects I was involved in, that it felt like “enough”. I think subconsciously, I felt I would be taking it away from him if I really pursued my hunger to play music. It has always been the most precious thing to him, and one of the only things besides ice hockey, that he invested his time and his heart in. We were already competing in all other aspects of our lives. I felt like he was already living in so much of my shadow because I was the oldest and I didn’t want to ‘steal the spotlight’, so to speak.
Instead, I found myself attracting boys that were full of innate musical talents. It became more obvious and confirmed my belief that it was something you had to be born with. I kept falling into the same pattern of attracting terribly talented musicians and playing the role of supporting them in their passions, gifts, talents, and dreams. I would go on tour, I would help book shows, do photos, promote their music, sell merch, you name it, I did it.
In high school I started studying Music Business, and eventually went to a private business school to expand my knowledge, with the hopes of transforming the music industry and creating a new system that would allow artists to actually be thriving and receiving monetary compensation that would support them, their lifestyles, and one day their families. I had, and still have the vision to revolutionize the music industry.
I understand now that I’ve been so drawn to musicians and artists, not only because they were all incredible human beings, they were also doing what my inner child wanted to be doing more than anything in the world. I was feeling somewhat “fulfilled” by being their partner and supporting them on their paths. I thought, if I can’t be a musician, the next best thing is a musicians lover. I am clear that I am what I have been seeking. In 2013 when I volunteered my first year at Rock and Roll Camp for Girl Los Angeles (Check it out here), I realized that I COULD learn music. There was a possibility for me to actually write a song, play an instrument, AND collaborate with others, especially if 8 year olds were doing it. I am grateful I have giving my voice the space to be expressed, to share it with myself, and offer it to others.
Now that I have let go of my unworthiness, and my fear,
I am excited to see what the universe will deliver to me.
What is knocking at your heart?
Free yourself, Wild Ones!