Our secrets, skeletons and ‘unspeakables’ subtly control our lives.
That which we ‘cannot’ talk about, that lives in the shadows, remains a governing force over us.
For ten years I battled extreme Bulimia, throwing up anywhere between 2-15 times a day, often consuming calories in excess of 20,000.
What started as a way to try and earn the love of others, eventually became a vicious hamster wheel of emotional numbing.
For 9 of those 10 years, I chose my illness, every single day.
I believed I was broken, I fully identified with being a sick person and I resolved that I would never get better.
During that time, I could NEVER bring myself to open up and be authentic with people about my struggles. I wore many masks and told countless lies in an attempt to keep the facade alive. Anything to keep people from seeing the truth of me.
While I had incredibly loving and concerned parents and friends, I lived a double life, projecting a picture of perfection for all to see, while silently suffering alone over a toilet or in a pizza.
I lived in constant fear that someone would find out, or even worse catch me in the act.
Present within my every conversation was a subtle voice, quietly orchestrating a delicate and devious distraction from the obvious.
Every moment spent dancing around dangerously relevant topics like food, exercise or physique.
I am now fully recovered.
I don’t bat an eye if I over stuff myself, and don’t feel shy about eating whatever I want.
While my recovery was multifaceted, and by no means overnight, the critical first step on that path was to begin shining a light on the shadow of my secret life.
By breaking silence and opening up to people about what I was facing, it’s grip on me began to loosen. Suddenly, I did not feel bound by the lies and the secrecy, but rather like I was regaining dominion over my choices.
The more I opened up about my struggles, the freer I got, until eventually I was liberated from them.
We live in a world where there is so much shame and judgement for certain behaviors and ways of being, and though perhaps well intentioned, all that ever creates is more of the same.
If we want to create a world where everyone can be truly free, there must be a safe place for the tough conversations.
When we can feel safe enough in our shadows to expose them to light, we grant ourselves liberation and the permission to love ourselves (and each other) fully.
By enlightening our demons, we show others it’s safe to do the same.
Whatever you might be hiding, whatever you think you can’t talk about…I promise you are not alone.
And when you can free yourself and claim your joy you grant others permission to do the same!